Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Well, I Think It's Funny

I walked past the sorcery shop today.  The mystic was outside and she said, "Are you going to the psychic fair this weekend?"  I said, "I don't know.  You tell me."

I was nauseous, had a fever, body aches and was fatigued.  I feel better now though.  I went to the rifle range and had my flu shot.

Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.

If you want a nice sarcophagus, you have to urn it.

With all these medicine commercials everywhere, I feel like I'm in Adville!

I'm not playing records anymore.  And that's vinyl.

I was looking for land in a real estate book.  I found lots.

I asked my dad if he'd take me to the horse races.  He said, "You bet!"

They were passing out bodies at the morgue.  It was a dead give away.

I bought a portrait of George Washington.  It was just a buck.

Can you wake up on the wrong side... of a round bed?

Police search empty murder scene.  There was no body there.

There's a typhoon predicted.  It's the wave of the future.

I'm drinking pop cause I'm soda thirsty.

When it comes to passing a drug test- I'm a whiz.

I'm studying classical music.  I think I've got a Handel on it.

My friend has a successful rock quarry but he never takes it for granite.

I was ignorant.  I just didn't know it.

Sunday, March 17, 2013

Hero Headlines

Superman Buys New Home.  It's on Lois Lane.

Spiderman Facing Drug Charges. Caught With Mary Jane.

Peter Pan Tries Fast Food.  Loves Wendy's.

Batman Sees First Sign of Spring.  A Robin.

Incredible Hulk Advocates For Planet.  Goes Green.

Robin Hood Gets Stuck in Bathroom.  It was a Little John.

Han Solo Releases Own Brand of Bubble Gum.  It's Chewy.

Lone Ranger Invests In Precious Metal.  It's Silver.

Keebler Elves Hunted By Hounds.  Get Treed.

Jack The Giant Killer's Ex-Girlfriend Files Restraining Order. For Stalking.

Humpty Dumpty Loves Summer. Doesn't Look Forward To Fall.

Donald Duck Passes Out At Party. Got Slipped A Mickey.

Life Cereal Gets a Facebook Page.  Mikey Likes It.

Michelin Man Suffers From Insomnia.  He's Tired.

Julie Andrews Sink Backs Up.  Calls Christopher Plummer.

Forest Gump Sues Shrimping Boat Partner.  Lt. Dan Doesn't Have a Leg To Stand On.

Albert Einstien Uses Scientific Method To Trace His Heritage.  It's His Theory Of Relativity.

Pinnochio undergoes cosmetic surgery. Gets a Nose Job.

Aragorn and Arwin Announce Wedding Plans.  Frodo To Be Ringbearer.

Lance Armstrong Stripped of Cycling Titles for Cheating. What a Dope.

Wesley and Buttercup Can't Have Children.  Inconceivable.

Mr. T. Declares April 1st as National Empathy Day. He Pities The Fool.

Marshall Matt Dylan Has To Put Family Cat Down.  He Will Miss Kitty.

Popeye Fries Eggs In Butter Substitute.  Olive Oil.

Anne Shirley becomes pals with lingerie shop owner. They're bosom friends.

Kermit the Frog is Love Sick.  Has Swine Flu.

Little Red Riding Hood Snitches Goodies From Grandma's Basket.  Wolfs them down.

Blind Melon Fails at Dry Land Farming.  No Rain.

John Travolta Gets Stain On His Shirt.  It's Grease

Garth Brooks Visits Set Of Little People, Big World.  He's Got Friends In Low Places.

Charles Dickens Creates A New Dance.  It's The Oliver Twist.

Eddie Haskell Dies A Rich Man.  His Estate? He'll Leave It To Beaver.

Red Hot Chili Peppers Bankrupt And Homeless.  Living Under The Bridge Downtown.

I Have Some Rumors About Nirvana... Nevermind

Eminem.  Is He A Candy Rapper?

Milli Vanilli Washed Out.  They Blame It On The Rain.

In Final Interview General George Custer Proclaims: "I kill Indians... So Sioux Me."

Cheech and Chong Release Horticulture Book, "Weed; Your Garden"

 Hagrid Takes Up Making Mugs Out Of Clay.  He's A Hairy Potter.

Bill Clinton Trapped Inside Garage With Car Running. Rescuers Find Him Okay. He Didn't Inhale.

Paternity Test Proves Darth Vader Is The Father.  Forced To Pay Child Support.

Waldo Begins Zen Meditation.  Finds Himself.

Suicide Bomber Targets Olive Oil Factory.  Hoping For Extra Virgin.

Paparazzi Shows Up At Neverland.  Michael Jackson tells them to beat it.

Hannibal Lecter Shuns Clarice By Serving Her Leftovers.  Gives Her The Cold Shoulder.

Mr. Ed to Mr. Rogers: "Won't You Be My Neighhh-bor?"

Barney Fife Gives Aunt Bea A Gardening Tip: Nip It In The Bud.

Pilsbury Dough-Boy Attacked By Thugs. Get's Rolled.

Madonna Opens Fabric Store.  She's A Material Girl.

Mike Tyson Is An Incessant Talker.  He'll Chew Your Ear Off.

Dr. Seuss' Favorite Band?  The Who.

OJ Simpson Loses Isotoner Endorsement To Dan Marino.  The Gloves Didn't Fit.

Mark Antony To Vincent Van Gogh:  "Lend Me Your Ear".

Natalie Merchant Opens Massive Psychiatric Hospital.  It Will House 10,000 Maniacs.

Marilyn Monroe Involved In Sidewalk Explosion. Her Dress Blew Up In Her Face.

Hulk Hogan Comments On Recent Shirt Prices. "They're A Rip Off!"

The Song, "Do You Believe In Life After Love" Fails On Facebook.  No One Will Cher It.

Peter Gabriel Sells Pedro A Bike.  It's A Sledgehammer.

Bill Gates Is Retired And Bored.  He Just Sits And Stares Out His Windows.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Gets Good News From Oncologist. It's Not A Tumor.

Stevie Nicks Overwhelmingly Wins The Election.  It Was A Landslide.

Davy Crockett Hears A Rustle In The Bushes. It Was Georgie.

Toto Tinkles On The Sidewalk. Now It's A Yellow Brick Road.

Dustin Diamond Stops Suddenly... Screech!

Clarence Rutherford won't eat his oatmeal. It's Lumpy.

Tracy Chapman Likes Mario Andretti. He Has A Fast Car.

Time's Running Out, The Bronco's Are Ahead. Tebow, Of Course... Takes A Knee.

Howie Mandel Hates Germs. He's Mr. Clean.

Sigmund Freud Does His Laundry. Shrinks it all.

Oscar The Grouch Suspended From Sesame Street For Talking Too Much Trash.

The Wallflowers Get Pulled Over. One Headlight.

Police Secretary: "Officer Joe Friday, Do You Want All Of Your Messages?" "Just the fax ma'am."

Duran Duran Return Their Sweater.  It's Come Undone.

AC/DC Turn Their Finances Around. They Are Back In Black.

Snow Patrol's Dog Kenneled For Chasing Cars.

Aaron Carter, What Do You Want In Your Birthday Pinata? "I Want Candy!"

The Pretenders Commit Another Felony.  They're Back On The Chain Gang.

"Have A Nice Day, Bono." "You Too."

Louis Armstrong Undergoes Cataract Surgery.  He Can See Clearly Now.

Alaska Has A Great Recycling Program. Especially In Ketchikan.

Octomom Gets Government Job At Department Of Labor.

They Needed A Sketch Of The Suspect.  So Nancy Drew.

King George And His High Class Court Found The American Colonists Revolting.

Vanilla Ice Releases Greatest Hits Album. It's A Single.

Tears For Fears Fall Down The Stairs.  Go Head Over Heels.

Clint Eastwood To His Scheduling Agent, "Go Ahead, Make My Day."

Satisfied With The Food And Service, Arnold Schwarzenegger Tells The Restaurant Manager: "I'll Be Back."

Tom Petty Has Restless Leg Syndrome.  He's Running Down A Dream.

Sarah Palin Hosts Mid-Morning Get Together. It's A Tea Party.

Arnold Palmer Has To Buy New Shoes. He Got A Hole In One.

Fat Albert Died.  Planning The Funeral Will Be A Huge Undertaking.

Tigger Wrote A Check.  It Bounced.

Alanis Morissette Hangs Up From Customer Service And Says: "Thank You India".

Lieutenant Dan Could Not Go To The Concert.  There Was Standing Room Only.

Karl Marx Lies Abouts Contents Of Energy Drink.  It's A Bunch Of Red Bull.

Mahatma Ghandi Blessed My Burger.  Holy Cow.

The Pope Blessed My Cigarettes.  Holy Smokes.

George Thorogood Contracts Gangrene.  He's Bad To The Bone.

Bob Marley Continually Cited For Violation Of City Ordinance. He Can't Keep Off The Grass.

Paula Deen Heads For Speech Therapy. Not For Southern Drawl But For Racial Slur.

Quasimodo Punches Judge Frollo.  Rings His Bell.

Janet Jackson's Post Super Bowl Interview Was Very Revealing.

Chad Kroeger Asks For His Change. Gets A Nickel Back.

The Dream Police Woke Me Up Early.  What A Cheap Trick.

Twisted Sister Comments On Their Monthly Shower: "We're Not Gonna Take It Anymore!"

Maytag Man Fixes A Stove Top. He's Really In His Element.

John Elway Gets A Large Explosive Device.  It's A Long Bomb.

Jerry Rice Takes Up Scuba Diving.  Goes Deep.

Compelled To Pursue A Career In Communications, Alexander Graham Bell Answers The Call.

Before Eating An Oreo, Michael Jordan Dunks It.

Even After Sustaining Serious Injuries, Tony Stewart Vows To Return To Racing. He's That Driven.

Adam Decides To Change His Underwear.  Turns Over A New Leaf.

Kellogg's Elves Fall Into Trash Compactor.  Snap, Crackle, Pop.

Prepubescent, Long Haired Eddie Vedder To His Near-Sighted Father" "Don't Call Me Daughter."

The Doobie Brothers Move To The Next Step In Recycling Program.  They're Taking It To The Street.

Michael Phelps Wins Gold, After Gold, After Gold, After Gold... Sounds Like A Broken Record.

Billy Graham Reveals His Trick To Hold Up His Pants... It's The Bible Belt.

When Asked If He Was Too Sexy: "Right," Said Fred.

Johnny Cash Beats Field Sobriety Test.  He Walks The Line.

George Foreman Goes Back To School.  Hits The Books.

Dr. Scholls Walks the Straight And Narrow.  He Wants To Save His Sole.

Mary Lou Retton Wins Gold.  Flips Out.

Gary Coleman Doesn't Know What Willis Is Talking About.  He's Stumped.

Colonel Sanders Swerves At The Last Second.  Chickens Out.

Edward Snowden Sneaks Into His Neighbors Bathroom.  Takes A Leak.

Pat Sajak Calls Hooked On Phonics.  Buys A Vowel.

Tonya Harding Endorses Auto Accessory.  It's The Club.

Greg Louganis Loves '80's Metal.  He's A Real Headbanger.

Pinocchio Lies. Gepetto Knows It.

Pinocchio Enters A Horse Race. Wins By A Nose.

The Byrds Drive Towards A Cliff.  "Turn, turn, turn!!!"

Jeff Probst Doesn't Need A Flu Shot.  He Has Immunity.

"Homer Simpson, Bread Is Not Made From Batter." "Doh!"


Sunday, February 3, 2013

First Story

First Story

One hundred and forty four chicken gizzards. That's gross!
Definitely don't inhale and don't stand too close.

Did you forget your lines at a wedding speech? You're toast!
Just hope you can talk your way out of it with the host.

Did you swallow a magazine down whole? Just digest!
Then don't eat for a while, give your stomach a rest.

I'm so sorry you're ill down a long deep shaft. Get well!
You just might not be sick if down there- you hadn't fell.

You've got some fish on the bottom of your shoe. That's sole!
Where'd you pick it up, down at your secret fishin' hole?

Did you find dirt in your campfire coffee? It's ground!
Now just cowboy on up, drink it, and don't make a sound.

I learned to read on the school's ground floor. First story!
Helping others love reading? That's a crowning glory.

Saturday, September 22, 2012

The Big Dance

The Big Dance

There's a big dance,
being held in town tonight.
I'm going to it,
and want everything right.

A very special lady,
I just might meet.
I need to look sharp,
and be light on my feet.

I pressed my best shirt,
and got the wrinkles out.
I slicked my dark hair back,
with oil of trout.

I matched my argyle socks,
and shined each shoe.
They glimmered as bright
as early morning dew.

I rolled the fuzzy lint,
off my blue blazer.
I shaved my face,
with my electric razor.

I put a Windsor knot,
in my bright red tie.
I dabbed on cologne,
what a sharp lookin' guy.

I showed up on time,
in very high style.
I walked inside,
people started to smile.

Actually they laughed.
I showed up at the dance,
I thought I was set…
but I forgot my pants!

Sunday, July 1, 2012

Write It Right, Again

Write It Right, Again

It hurts to get taller,
so you groan cause you've grown.
After the queen pitches her chair,
she's thrown the throne.

If you drown in food coloring,
you die in dye.
When you wave from a ladder,
you say "hi" from high.

A boy lion's primary hair,
is his main mane.
An arrogant artery,
is a vein that's vain.

When a vaulter votes,
he takes his pole to the poll.
A baby horse that's done eating,
is a full foal.

Chopping your after dinner treats?
You mince your mints.
Evidence of the king's son?
The prints of the prince.

If you've canoed the highway,
you've rowed on the road.
If you dragged a reptile,
then you towed a toad.

If you carry a corridor,
you haul a hall.
Shopping with your wedge?
You take your maul to the mall.

Buy a fresh wildebeest,
you'll have a gnu that's new.
A plane ride when you were sick?
You flew with the flu.

Poking your teacher politely,
you tacked with tact.
If you toted the agreement,
you packed the pact.

You're tired on a hilltop,
so nap on the knap.
Because of that,
I'll just quickly- wrap up this rap.

Saturday, June 30, 2012

Underweight Nate

Underweight Nate

Down by the tracks,
near a rotten log,
I found a poor,
starving puppy dog.

He was sick and scruffy,
I hoped I wasn't too late,
I took him home,
and called him Underweight Nate.

I gave Nate a bath,
and brushed out his fur,
he no longer looked,
like a mangy cur.

I wanted to feed him,
so we went to the kitchen,
I tell ya, for some food,
that boy was itchin'!

I gave him beef stew,
sausage and eggs,
crackers and cheese,
and some turkey legs.

He filled up on bacon,
and a ham bone,
I gave him pasta,
and an ice cream cone.

This went on,
for a month or so,
and now Nate's belly,
was starting to show.

I cared for the health,
of my new little pup,
so I took him to the vet,
for a check-up.

The vet said, "Change her name,
and feed her something leafy."
So it's cabbage and lettuce now...
for Beefy Fifi.

A Place To Play

A Place To Play

It was a place to play,
with trucks and cars,
buckets and boats and mason jars.

We built castles with moats,
and drawbridges,
high atop great mountain ridges.

We would dig deep ditches,
and long tunnels,
then fill with hoses and funnels.

We'd carve out a deep pit,
and fill with brew,
and dance around like witches do.

With some firecrackers,
we could explode,
toy soldiers like a landmine load.

We were not very rich,
but rather poor,
and this can't be bought in a store.

Now as I'm thinking back,
I'm happy still,
cause I grew up... with a dirt hill.